Sunday, November 27, 2016

The Storm Before the Calm

As a family we have been waiting for the calm after the storm for what appears to be going on 11 years now. However every time we get a visual on the rainbow or even just the eye of the storm we realize it was a mirage and we are really in it still. One of the big things that we work on is faith and not letting a bump in the road ruin what we are working for.

So something that tends to happen is I start to write a blog and feel that it is too negative and do not post it. I cannot even tell you how many "drafts" I have just sitting around never* to be published (*probably). The fact is we have been holding our breath since April of this year (it is now almost December) We did this HUGE thing and moved to a new state where we didn't know any one and left all our possessions behind to start completely fresh. Everything we had planned and ready to go fell apart in a little over a month and April started out really stressful as we watched our dreams fall further from sight. After months of issues and problems I realized doula work just wasn't working here and I needed to find employment outside of the home, and I did.

Mind you during this time of applying and interviewing and going through the process of getting this job things continued to crumble around us but we just kept our faith and our eye on how close we were to fixing it all. Starting work was hard. Not only did the kids have some hard time adjusting everything seemed to stop on the days that I was at work. I had trouble thinking past what I was learning and what was happening right then. I tried to look past it but every time I did I saw how bad things were and I knew there was nothing I could do yet.

Let's skip to this last Friday when we had hopes of things changing around. This weekend was going to be the beginning of the rainbow and we were going to finally take a breath and things were going to start working towards calm. However here we are again, in an even worse situation. It's like a bunch of fires all started at once and we are trying to see which is the biggest one that needs to be dealt with because it is causing the most damage.

The problem with these fires is I cannot just push them off since there is nothing I can do because if I do not handle these fires everything will fall apart. I am trying to not even think about the fact that it's almost Christmas and my youngest child's birthday, and all of these expensive unexpected disasters in our life are going to really ca-bosh all our plans.

I am not saying all this because we have given up on hope. I know one day it has to get better.... right? I am saying all this because it needs to come out. I need to release some of the stress and anxiety to be able to hopefully look more clearly at the situation and get some things resolved.

What do YOU do when everything hits the fan at once? what do you do when they are all connected and there is only so much you can do? I am trying to take things one step at a time and deal with it but every time I am in the middle of dealing with a step more things pop up and distract and I have to decide if they are more important at the moment and requires my attention.

It's really hard to come to terms with being not only more than willing to work as hard as possible to get out of financial issues, but when you ARE doing everything possible and still everything that can go wrong does.

Meanwhile so much pain and hurt is going on in the world I have felt guilty to have any emotion about my situation. It is a vicious cycle of guilt and anxiety when I need to reach out for help but feel I cannot because it could be worse. I really want to just say F U to guilt but I feel like it's there for a reason. It reminds me to stay humble and not feel like a victim. It reminds me that one day this shall pass and I can be in a position to help the rest of the world. It reminds me that I need to keep working my butt off if I want to see the results and that one day the storm WILL pass.

So it's been a long road. It's been over a decade of crap after crap and it's not going to stop. My hope and desire is that the rainbow is that we are finally able to tackle the issues without our entire lives being railroaded. It's my hope that the rainbow leads to more service to others and to help those that go through what we've been through to get to their rainbow.

I want to blog. Even if it sounds whiny to some or rambly to others. I have all these feelings and typing really helps put things in perspective. I wish I could say my faith is so strong that I am not bothered by all the crap events of this weekend but I am not. I need to be honest with where I am at or I'll never get to where I want to go.

I want to express a happy holiday to those that celebrate anything and just know that if you are struggling I am thinking about you and I empathize. Stay safe, stay warm, and stay strong!  

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