Friday, March 11, 2016

Anxiety doesn't mind being obvious

New beginning, bright horizons, warmer weather.... such is my current situation. That's right I did it. I moved out of the same state I have lived in my entire life. For someone with some severe separation anxiety that was a big step.

I told myself that no matter how many icky feelings of different things, losing my way on the road, and knowing no-one in the area I would give it a go. I would do my darnedest to stay positive and remember WHY we moved to begin with. This is our fresh start... our new beginning. Where we take all that we have learned and apply it to starting over.

So there we were the five of us in our sedan driving across state to our new beginning. We left everything except the clothes on our back behind. It was hard but what was needed. The apartments we had been renting for the last almost 10 years were riddled with mold. The management didn't do anything about it and only offered to paint over it. The problem was it was black mold and deep in the walls. Even when painted over it still smelled and it ruined all of our things. We didn't even realize how much until we were out of there.

Back there, in the mold, we were always sick. My daughter needed not only allergy medicine like the rest of us but a daily inhaler and sometimes trips to the emergency room. They never did paint over the mold but only switched our apartments a couple of times. It was just a revolving door of mold though.

This move was truly a fresh start. How does a family of 5 take a sedan car (with two kids in car seats by the way) to a new state and start over?! It was amazing, in the moment it was exciting... the feeling of finally letting go of everything and not letting my anxiety take over. I thought wow I am healed. I am handling this with about a normal amount of anxiety and excitement. The honeymoon was beautiful. EVERYTHING was falling into place. The week flew by and we were amazed. No one needed allergy medicine, my daughters medicine stayed in the bathroom untouched.

I knew I could hear the anxiety creeping back into my thoughts but I pushed it off. Silly normal fears creeping up... and why not? We did just do something that not many people have done when they have a bunch of kids already. I just couldn't shake it though.

No one knows me here......
If something happens I have no "emergency contact" that could come in a second and help
I do not have anything from my past except a few dusty pictures I was able to cram into my trunk
How are we going to afford replacing everything we lost
What if we hate it here and we have no way of leaving
I'm lonely...........

STOP IT.... stop it I told myself. How selfish I am being. We are so much healthier here and the kids have been so happy. My husband is having a better working experience and we finally have internet and can start vlogging again.

I haven't gotten any work
what if I cannot make money here
Why are people not as welcoming as I expected them to be
Gee our expenses are more than I expected... how could I forget about insurance costs?!
Everyone is different here
Things are slower and no one seems to take the same things seriously

STOP IT.... stop it Megan. How can I be this selfish..... we are happier remember? Everything is going well. These are growing pains and it has only been two weeks how can I know if business will be slow for me? I can actually make a difference here I am sure....

This cycle continues daily... sometimes from moment to moment. It hit me today when I logged on and told myself come on Megan do not stop doing the things you love for fear of not being successful at the things you love. So here I am I logged on to my blogspot. I logged on knowing I would just write this down on a piece of paper somewhere when I could write this for maybe someone to relate to. Someone somewhere has to understand that anxiety doesn't hide in the shadows. It doesn't matter how obvious or well known it makes itself. It doesn't care who sees it or who knows it is there. It is a life crasher and proud of it. It is proud of who it is by telling you to not be proud of who you are. To doubt it all. To bring on attacks and hide you from your true potential.  

I am actually typing this faster and faster because anxiety is creeping back up and trying to get me to stop. Trying to convince me to delete this and focus on the negative.

I want this to end on some positive note about how I have grown so much... I know I have grown but I still experience anxiety pretty strongly. So for now I am calling it out. I am letting it know that I know that it knows I know. I know that it knows I know it knows that I know.... I am facing my anxiety and saying maybe sometimes it has me beat but I will continue to pick myself back up and not stop. Not let it stop me from doing what I need to... maybe in a moment but not forever.

I did not throw out everything I have owned for the last 10 plus years and move to a new state to hide in my bed... I can't I won't..... so for now I'm just saying I'm human, I have emotional issues and they my change some of my day and week but I will beat it. I declare it... I will have what I want and what I need.... my family is happy here and so am I.... no matter what negative anxiety Megan has to say.

Take a breath, you are not alone and if in this moment you need to just focus on shutting down and in then do it. But do not stay there, find your way out when you can, even for a little while and start your future. Throwing things away is therapeutic... a clean house is therapeutic and I know it's hard... I mean I do have 3 kids that love to muck it up but if only for a moment not seeing a pile of life in front of me is helpful.