Sunday, November 27, 2016

The Storm Before the Calm

As a family we have been waiting for the calm after the storm for what appears to be going on 11 years now. However every time we get a visual on the rainbow or even just the eye of the storm we realize it was a mirage and we are really in it still. One of the big things that we work on is faith and not letting a bump in the road ruin what we are working for.

So something that tends to happen is I start to write a blog and feel that it is too negative and do not post it. I cannot even tell you how many "drafts" I have just sitting around never* to be published (*probably). The fact is we have been holding our breath since April of this year (it is now almost December) We did this HUGE thing and moved to a new state where we didn't know any one and left all our possessions behind to start completely fresh. Everything we had planned and ready to go fell apart in a little over a month and April started out really stressful as we watched our dreams fall further from sight. After months of issues and problems I realized doula work just wasn't working here and I needed to find employment outside of the home, and I did.

Mind you during this time of applying and interviewing and going through the process of getting this job things continued to crumble around us but we just kept our faith and our eye on how close we were to fixing it all. Starting work was hard. Not only did the kids have some hard time adjusting everything seemed to stop on the days that I was at work. I had trouble thinking past what I was learning and what was happening right then. I tried to look past it but every time I did I saw how bad things were and I knew there was nothing I could do yet.

Let's skip to this last Friday when we had hopes of things changing around. This weekend was going to be the beginning of the rainbow and we were going to finally take a breath and things were going to start working towards calm. However here we are again, in an even worse situation. It's like a bunch of fires all started at once and we are trying to see which is the biggest one that needs to be dealt with because it is causing the most damage.

The problem with these fires is I cannot just push them off since there is nothing I can do because if I do not handle these fires everything will fall apart. I am trying to not even think about the fact that it's almost Christmas and my youngest child's birthday, and all of these expensive unexpected disasters in our life are going to really ca-bosh all our plans.

I am not saying all this because we have given up on hope. I know one day it has to get better.... right? I am saying all this because it needs to come out. I need to release some of the stress and anxiety to be able to hopefully look more clearly at the situation and get some things resolved.

What do YOU do when everything hits the fan at once? what do you do when they are all connected and there is only so much you can do? I am trying to take things one step at a time and deal with it but every time I am in the middle of dealing with a step more things pop up and distract and I have to decide if they are more important at the moment and requires my attention.

It's really hard to come to terms with being not only more than willing to work as hard as possible to get out of financial issues, but when you ARE doing everything possible and still everything that can go wrong does.

Meanwhile so much pain and hurt is going on in the world I have felt guilty to have any emotion about my situation. It is a vicious cycle of guilt and anxiety when I need to reach out for help but feel I cannot because it could be worse. I really want to just say F U to guilt but I feel like it's there for a reason. It reminds me to stay humble and not feel like a victim. It reminds me that one day this shall pass and I can be in a position to help the rest of the world. It reminds me that I need to keep working my butt off if I want to see the results and that one day the storm WILL pass.

So it's been a long road. It's been over a decade of crap after crap and it's not going to stop. My hope and desire is that the rainbow is that we are finally able to tackle the issues without our entire lives being railroaded. It's my hope that the rainbow leads to more service to others and to help those that go through what we've been through to get to their rainbow.

I want to blog. Even if it sounds whiny to some or rambly to others. I have all these feelings and typing really helps put things in perspective. I wish I could say my faith is so strong that I am not bothered by all the crap events of this weekend but I am not. I need to be honest with where I am at or I'll never get to where I want to go.

I want to express a happy holiday to those that celebrate anything and just know that if you are struggling I am thinking about you and I empathize. Stay safe, stay warm, and stay strong!  

Saturday, May 14, 2016

How to make homemade butter

My kids are having a blast on their channel! You should go check them out and subscribe for more fun experiments and soon for some surprise eggs!

Thursday, May 12, 2016

New adventures for the family!

Have you heard yet? I am not sure you have so I thought I would bring it to your attention...


That is right we are making ourselves known. For so long we have talked about not just me casually making money on YouTube but really making a go of it for the whole family. We have so many things we want to do and share and why not? Why are we sitting back watching everyone else do what they love and spread their passions and we just watch? So I still have my channel on YouTube where I make videos about ttc, pregnancy, children, infertility, birth, tips, how to, and pretty much anything else my little heart decides. And now we also have TWO NEW CHANNELS!!!

We have our vlog channel that we are working on making a daily vlog channel and the kids have their own channel for experiments, games, toys, and all things kids (you've seen those popular kids channels haven't you?) and they just posted their first video! (as seen above!)

Right now we are working on consistency and getting better at creating content. We have a lot of ideas but it is hard with the kids in school and my husband working but we are trying to make it work! Hopefully the more we do it the more interesting we can be and will gain our following. We would like to do this full time and hopefully over time we can.

Insert random rant here: For those that say YouTube is not a real job you are wrong!! It takes so much work to pull off good content and it also takes time, energy, money, knowledge, experience.... it's a real job!!

We have so many things to share with the world and just need a chance! So if you are reading this and want to fall in love with a new family come join us!! You won't be disappointed

Megan's YouTube
For Kids By Kids

Just in case those go wonky here they are again:

Friday, March 11, 2016

Anxiety doesn't mind being obvious

New beginning, bright horizons, warmer weather.... such is my current situation. That's right I did it. I moved out of the same state I have lived in my entire life. For someone with some severe separation anxiety that was a big step.

I told myself that no matter how many icky feelings of different things, losing my way on the road, and knowing no-one in the area I would give it a go. I would do my darnedest to stay positive and remember WHY we moved to begin with. This is our fresh start... our new beginning. Where we take all that we have learned and apply it to starting over.

So there we were the five of us in our sedan driving across state to our new beginning. We left everything except the clothes on our back behind. It was hard but what was needed. The apartments we had been renting for the last almost 10 years were riddled with mold. The management didn't do anything about it and only offered to paint over it. The problem was it was black mold and deep in the walls. Even when painted over it still smelled and it ruined all of our things. We didn't even realize how much until we were out of there.

Back there, in the mold, we were always sick. My daughter needed not only allergy medicine like the rest of us but a daily inhaler and sometimes trips to the emergency room. They never did paint over the mold but only switched our apartments a couple of times. It was just a revolving door of mold though.

This move was truly a fresh start. How does a family of 5 take a sedan car (with two kids in car seats by the way) to a new state and start over?! It was amazing, in the moment it was exciting... the feeling of finally letting go of everything and not letting my anxiety take over. I thought wow I am healed. I am handling this with about a normal amount of anxiety and excitement. The honeymoon was beautiful. EVERYTHING was falling into place. The week flew by and we were amazed. No one needed allergy medicine, my daughters medicine stayed in the bathroom untouched.

I knew I could hear the anxiety creeping back into my thoughts but I pushed it off. Silly normal fears creeping up... and why not? We did just do something that not many people have done when they have a bunch of kids already. I just couldn't shake it though.

No one knows me here......
If something happens I have no "emergency contact" that could come in a second and help
I do not have anything from my past except a few dusty pictures I was able to cram into my trunk
How are we going to afford replacing everything we lost
What if we hate it here and we have no way of leaving
I'm lonely...........

STOP IT.... stop it I told myself. How selfish I am being. We are so much healthier here and the kids have been so happy. My husband is having a better working experience and we finally have internet and can start vlogging again.

I haven't gotten any work
what if I cannot make money here
Why are people not as welcoming as I expected them to be
Gee our expenses are more than I expected... how could I forget about insurance costs?!
Everyone is different here
Things are slower and no one seems to take the same things seriously

STOP IT.... stop it Megan. How can I be this selfish..... we are happier remember? Everything is going well. These are growing pains and it has only been two weeks how can I know if business will be slow for me? I can actually make a difference here I am sure....

This cycle continues daily... sometimes from moment to moment. It hit me today when I logged on and told myself come on Megan do not stop doing the things you love for fear of not being successful at the things you love. So here I am I logged on to my blogspot. I logged on knowing I would just write this down on a piece of paper somewhere when I could write this for maybe someone to relate to. Someone somewhere has to understand that anxiety doesn't hide in the shadows. It doesn't matter how obvious or well known it makes itself. It doesn't care who sees it or who knows it is there. It is a life crasher and proud of it. It is proud of who it is by telling you to not be proud of who you are. To doubt it all. To bring on attacks and hide you from your true potential.  

I am actually typing this faster and faster because anxiety is creeping back up and trying to get me to stop. Trying to convince me to delete this and focus on the negative.

I want this to end on some positive note about how I have grown so much... I know I have grown but I still experience anxiety pretty strongly. So for now I am calling it out. I am letting it know that I know that it knows I know. I know that it knows I know it knows that I know.... I am facing my anxiety and saying maybe sometimes it has me beat but I will continue to pick myself back up and not stop. Not let it stop me from doing what I need to... maybe in a moment but not forever.

I did not throw out everything I have owned for the last 10 plus years and move to a new state to hide in my bed... I can't I won't..... so for now I'm just saying I'm human, I have emotional issues and they my change some of my day and week but I will beat it. I declare it... I will have what I want and what I need.... my family is happy here and so am I.... no matter what negative anxiety Megan has to say.

Take a breath, you are not alone and if in this moment you need to just focus on shutting down and in then do it. But do not stay there, find your way out when you can, even for a little while and start your future. Throwing things away is therapeutic... a clean house is therapeutic and I know it's hard... I mean I do have 3 kids that love to muck it up but if only for a moment not seeing a pile of life in front of me is helpful.